Unpopular Opinions of a Hopeless Romantic

                  DISASTER DATE

‘Cle seriously just do it for me’ Diana whined

‘I’m really not excited Diana’ Cle said nonchalantly folding her clothe into the closet

‘Not excited…Cle Sam is like a major hottie he has like this hotness that affects an air conditioned room’

‘Yeah right, more reason why I shouldn’t go’ she let out a loud sigh and turned to Diana

‘Why Diana, why would you hook me up without telling me first’

Because………….you need a date for your cousin’s wedding’ Diana said in a girly voice

‘I’m in charge of catering’ Cle shouted

‘No your mom is…………..you need to have fun you work too much’

‘Diana_:’

‘Cle……………just meet him at the diner opposite your work place by ten’

‘Diana……..you’re unbelievable’ Cle screamed ‘you’ve set a venue and time?’

‘Today’ Diana said hurriedly standing up and running out of the room. Cle looked at her in awe

‘Unbelievable’ she mumbled ‘Today….’ She continued in a concerned tone as she put her clothes in the closet and picked her towel out. It was fifteen minutes past eight and she had a long day ahead of her now she had an impromptu date as one of her plans. She sighed and headed to the bathroom

                  

Cle sighed loudly as she packed her Armada in the lot. Her mind wasn’t prepared for a date and this was so sudden. She got down anyways and looked over to the diner at the other side of the road. Great all her colleagues would see her eating with a major hottie. Her phone rang. She looked at the strange number

‘He……llo’ I dragged squeezing my forehead

‘Hello am I speaking to Cle’ the caller said in a soft masculine voice

‘Sure’ she sang

‘Well I’m Sam’

Oh………..Sam right’ she dragged in a low tune

‘Yeah Sam’ He laughed

‘Hope Diana told you about me because I’m wondering why you haven’t crossed the road’ she laughed

‘You can see me?’

‘Yeah…..she sent a picture’

Wow…………the picture of me in a bar right’

‘You must be some kind of psychic’

‘No that’s just the only cool picture of me. The remaining are like passport photos’ he let out a fake laugh

‘Well you should cross over and lets talk eat, you know have fun’ she smiled

‘Okay’ she said looking left and right at the busy road

‘I have a blue stripped shirt on’ he said

‘Okay’ she replied crossing the road. She finally got to the other side and entered the diner giving the door man a warm smile. She looked across and saw the blue stripped shirt supposed to be hot Sam and to her he wasn’t that hot. He was casually dressed in a blue faded jeans and blue stripped short who wears blue on blue and his afro looked like his fingers had been passed to it a million time. She was fair which she didn’t like and he had a cocky smile for someone with that look. She smiled back and approached the table. He stood up and walked up to her

‘Hello’ he said giving her a warm hug

‘Hey’ she replied

‘well that dress is beautiful but I must confess you are doing it a favor’ he said pulling out a chair She laughed loudly but stopped realizing how dumb he was for falling for the stupid pick up line

‘Well…..nice shirt’

‘You don’t have to return the favor’

‘I do……….your shirt…..its one of a kind’ she said smiling widely. The waiter approach shed them

‘Ummh…..I’ll have_:’

‘Have you ever tried the sandwich here, it’s amazing! He interrupted’

‘Ummh:_’

‘You should try it’ He continued in an exciting voice’ She looked at him in confusion

‘We’ll have a sandwich and two cups of coffee black please’ She looked down. Great! Of course she had tried the sandwich and she hated it. There was too much cream in it and she hated everything they put in it. And she loved her coffee creamy not black. But this was just for an hour and she just had to endure it

‘So tell me about you’

‘I’m a doctor…..I’m sure Diana mentioned that’

‘Naaaaa’ she said looking through the menu and wishing she had just ordered a muffin

‘Well I’m sure you know LUTH…..Yeah I work there with the Gynecologists’

‘Wow that’s ama_:’

‘It’s wonderful you know…………at times I get so carried away’ he interrupted. She smiled….wow he was entering her mouth every time

The waiter returned with their order. She reached out for her wallet. He stopped her and paid.

‘You know……i read something that said ladies that do that are too forward. I believe you should let the man be the man’ she rolled her eyes and picked up her coffee

‘That’s why this nation is falling because ladies are becoming too powerful. Driving cars they shouldn’t drive, paying for food when the guy is there. I believe ladies are better off when they are under the guy’ she squeezed her face and looked at him in awe

‘Yeah. That’s what caused my divorce’ she coughed choking on her coffee. Did he just say divorce?

‘Sorry’ he said standing up to help her.

‘No…….I’m okay’ she rushed out. She was going to certainly kill Diana hooking her up with a divorcee

‘So tell me about you’

‘Well…….I’m an accountant. I work at the bank opposite this place’

‘You work at Zenith Bank’

‘Yeah….manager. But I write during my leisure time’

‘I think that’s amazing’ he said. She smiled proudly

 ‘You know I won a writing competition…………..’ He blabbed on and on. she looked up. ‘Heavens save me’ she thought. How did he just manage to make everything about him?. He went on and on for about thirty minutes on everything he had achieved and was planning on achieving and it wa really getting on Cle’s nerves. She had never seen anyone so elf absorbed and cocky plus he was a talkative.

‘You’ve not eaten your sandwich at all’

‘No…..I don’t eat that much in the morning’

‘Are you on a diet…..you’re like a twig. Come on let me feed you’

She rose her hand up in negation but he shifted forward anyway. She tried to refuse him then BOOM! The coffee spilled away and straight onto her white pencil gown!

‘Oh…………….Oh my……………’Sam stood up quickly then rushed to her signaling to the waiter to bring a napkin.

‘Are you okay’

‘Am I okay?!!!...........This is an Oscar de la Renta forty thousand gown. And now I have a coffee messed up gown!’

‘I am so sorry Cle’ he said snatching the napkin from the waiter and cleaning her knees where the coffee poured’

‘I’ll just be going now’ she said without hesitation picking up her bag

‘I’m sorry Cle………..I really enjoyed our time together and I’ll like a redo’

‘A redo!’ she squealed. ‘Yeah when I see a chicken that has teeth’ she continued creating a scene. Sam shot back..Wow

‘Go back to your wife Sam. There’s a reason she saw all this but still married you’ and with that she stomped out.

A bad date isn’t the end of the world. Worse things are happening all over; Malnutrition, War, Natural disasters, STDs and all. Yours is just a few hours of well….. An unfortunate event that chose to happen to you. Relax; things like this happen every time. Yeah he may have two left legs and might not be of the height you expected and she may be younger than you expected but shii like this happens all the the time you just need to figure out how to handle them. Well…….here are four ways to handle them

RECONSIDER THE VENUE

In a city like Ibadan where there is a scary level of mutuality among the youths, you may want to reconsider the venue. Don’t see it as being ashamed, see it as being safe. You don’t want to ummh to that ‘who is this’ question or bring any level of awkwardness so go for a more enclosed, private venue where you won’t have to look left and right. Who knows you might end up liking him

Speaking of venues here are two things

·         Never meet a guy for the first time in a group date where you are the new girl there. He my shift his focus to his friends and leave you hanging

·         Never meet someone you are unfamiliar with in a party. It’s a party that’s the problem

You want to have a one on one time when you won’t have to experience any awkwardness so reconsider the venue.

NEGATE EVERYTHING SHE SAYS

In this case like poles attract and opposite poles repel. She’ll obviously want to find out some things you guys have in common, disappoint her

‘Oh I love hanging out a lot’

‘Naaaa that’s for lousy people’ you’ll say ‘I love my quiet time. I’m kinda a loner’

Or maybe you realize she’s kind of reserved and she asks you what kind of girl you like say something like

‘loud, down to earth, talkative, great sense of humor’ that would put some doubts in her head

Go against everything she says. It would get her pissed off. Bring up the wrong topics; football, the constitution, third world war. Bore her you’re trying to prevent a second date or her expecting you two to make out. Sooner or later she’ll realize you two are like kerosene and water; immiscible.

TRY TO USE A DISTRACTION TO PISS HIM OFF

Your phone is a good distraction. Get busy with it even if there’s nothing exciting on it. Laugh to it when he’s getting really serious with a conversation. That way, he’ll know you are not interested in whatever he’s saying. If he gets annoyed raise your head and do something silly like

‘I just saw this cute joke on twitter’

Then read something borrrrrrrrrrriiiiinnng to him leaving him wondering. So she’d rather read that than listen to me. Okay it’s all good. Use every little distraction. If your friends walk in stand up and run to them then spend like fifteen minutes with them. Just look for clues to tell him this is choking you and you’d rather do something else. If he’s smart, He’ll get it

LASTLY IF THE DATE LOOKS LIKE A MARATHON FIND A SMART EXIT

Put a ringing tone then pretend to be receiving a call.

‘I’m sorry my best friend just called, her and her boyfriend just broke up’ or spill coffee on yourself that way you have a chance to escape. You can try the old fashioned way and go

‘This has been fun I’d like to go now’

But how would you get him to stop his conversation and give him a chance to let you talk? So just be more creative so you’ll escape. Sorry if you’re Christian but a little lie won’t hurt. I’m Christian too

Well to conclude I read this really funny bad date story on line and I’ll love you to read it

Story Sent in by Justin:
I had been out with Agnes for no longer than five minutes (we were outside) when she started to sniff as if something smelled rotten. She said to me, "You smell like asparagus. Or man-syrup."
I thought what you're thinking. But still, I asked for clarification just to be sure.
She explained, "You know. Man-syrup. You know."
"Man... syrup? I smell like... eww. That?"
She sniffed my shoulder and said, "Maybe it's just the world that smells like it, I guess. It smells really bad."
At dinner, she sniffed up a storm and said at varying times, "This restaurant smells like man-syrup," "This seltzer smells like man-syrup," and "This pasta smells like man-syrup." It was the only topic that she seemed interested in. I didn't smell a thing.
When the date was over, I went to hug her and she said, "No. I don't want the smell on me. Did you spritz yourself with it? I heard it's something guys do."
For the record, I didn't ever do anything like that. But it didn't matter. We didn't go out anymore.

LOL…………..thank you for reading have a great day…………………J