SELFLESSNESS

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT

I am a lady, 5 ft 8” tall, dark and pleasant. I’ve survived in this world for eighteen years, watched people die and watched people been brought to life, I know what pain, joy, excitement, heartbreak, satisfaction, emptiness, dissatisfaction, hurt and every emotion feels like; maybe in a different degree when compared to other people because I’ve never been surprised with a range rover or seen someone kill herself or one of those traumatizing scenarios; but I know. I’ve won and I’ve lost, cried and laughed; I’ve been laughed at and I have laughed at. I’ve gone through different tides and waves, battled with different handicaps of my humanity and I am still doing that because I am only human; at least that’s my saving grace. Have you ever wondered if this is really you, walking on your own two feet, thinking, reasoning, touching, feeling; you actually exist in this world, you’re here and people know you are because I do at times and it is an exciting feeling knowing I exist.

I don’t remember when I was born, nor my first or second birthday but mom told me I was a noise maker, strong headed and mischievous it’s surprising how I turned out if I was all that. I was not at all shy, I normally walked up to the altar when mass was in progress and was in front of every family thanksgiving dancing but now I am her royal shyness………..pity. point is I’m the opposite of everything I was now I have dreams, I want to make it, I want to have a focus, I keep on thinking of what my life would look like in the next ten years, ambitions and wishful thinking overwhelm me daily it’s becoming an obsession; then I cared less.

I remember going to school everyday, Mary hill…lol I would go with my belt in my mouth and my socks all rolled up, crow back on and the smallest size of aero soft, I played with sand and hated the sound of bells except the one that was heard when it was time for break. I had this guy that always kept hitting my shoulders and wouldn’t stop and I cried every time he did it and any time I had an issue I just cried because that was my highest defense Just cry. Nothing was wrong with playing with sand or insects I just lived everyday with no idea of my future ambition, my goals, my life, my responsibilities; I was just a child who knew nothing but laughter and play. By the time I got to primary four; I realized there were better ways to handle an issue, one was to play along, the other was aggressiveness and with time other ways came in, I learnt tears only made me look weak but at times I couldn’t control them but the difference between then and five years ago was I tried not to cry.

Time flew and soon I found myself in secondary school. Things were beginning to change. I went to the kind of school were 5:00am was our rising time, punishments was crawling on hand soil and slashing grasses, rudeness was overrated and so was in and impurity but I learnt most life lessons there and was exposed to different specie of people. Point is; I was beginning to see life differently, puberty was rushing in, juvenile deliquesce too came in and it came to my realization that if I didn’t step up my game, read, concentrate, study……….. I was gonna be a failure in my studies. I began to have goals, think of my career, my future and began to work hard like no mans business.

Now I look at myself; eighteen years old biochemistry undergraduate and still counting. At times I wake up angry because I know I can do more with what I have and at times grateful that I haven’t wandered away like some people my age. The thing is my life is changing, my mind is and everything about me. At times I wish that just for one day I could feel like a child in my mind once more and experience the peace I felt as a little girl but I am reminded everyday that I am not a kid anymore. Today 29^th October is another day. So what is it gonna be; wake up, eat, go out, look for a job, come back, cook lunch, lie down, read a novel, watch a movie, stand up, go round the house to make sure everything is in order, press my phone endlessly, , think, daydream, fall asleep in the process………….wait for the night to come. Just life as I know it. 

For the most interesting stories visit www.storycocktail.blogspot.com