LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
I am a lady, 5 ft 8” tall, dark and pleasant. I’ve survived
in this world for eighteen years, watched people die and watched people been
brought to life, I know what pain, joy, excitement, heartbreak, satisfaction,
emptiness, dissatisfaction, hurt and every emotion feels like; maybe in a
different degree when compared to other people because I’ve never been surprised
with a range rover or seen someone kill herself or one of those traumatizing
scenarios; but I know. I’ve won and I’ve lost, cried and laughed; I’ve been
laughed at and I have laughed at. I’ve gone through different tides and waves,
battled with different handicaps of my humanity and I am still doing that
because I am only human; at least that’s my saving grace. Have you ever
wondered if this is really you, walking on your own two feet, thinking,
reasoning, touching, feeling; you actually exist in this world, you’re here and
people know you are because I do at times and it is an exciting feeling knowing
I exist.
I don’t remember when I was born, nor my first or second
birthday but mom told me I was a noise maker, strong headed and mischievous
it’s surprising how I turned out if I was all that. I was not at all shy, I
normally walked up to the altar when mass was in progress and was in front of
every family thanksgiving dancing but now I am her royal shyness………..pity.
point is I’m the opposite of everything I was now I have dreams, I want to make
it, I want to have a focus, I keep on thinking of what my life would look like
in the next ten years, ambitions and wishful thinking overwhelm me daily it’s
becoming an obsession; then I cared less.
I remember going to school everyday, Mary hill…lol I would
go with my belt in my mouth and my socks all rolled up, crow back on and the
smallest size of aero soft, I played with sand and hated the sound of bells
except the one that was heard when it was time for break. I had this guy that
always kept hitting my shoulders and wouldn’t stop and I cried every time he
did it and any time I had an issue I just cried because that was my highest
defense Just cry. Nothing was wrong with playing with sand or insects I just
lived everyday with no idea of my future ambition, my goals, my life, my
responsibilities; I was just a child who knew nothing but laughter and play. By
the time I got to primary four; I realized there were better ways to handle an
issue, one was to play along, the other was aggressiveness and with time other
ways came in, I learnt tears only made me look weak but at times I couldn’t
control them but the difference between then and five years ago was I tried not
to cry.
Time flew and soon I found myself in secondary school.
Things were beginning to change. I went to the kind of school were 5:00am was
our rising time, punishments was crawling on hand soil and slashing grasses,
rudeness was overrated and so was in and impurity but I learnt most life
lessons there and was exposed to different specie of people. Point is; I was
beginning to see life differently, puberty was rushing in, juvenile deliquesce
too came in and it came to my realization that if I didn’t step up my game,
read, concentrate, study……….. I was gonna be a failure in my studies. I began
to have goals, think of my career, my future and began to work hard like no
mans business.
Now I look at myself, At times I wake up angry because I know I can
do more with what I have and at times grateful that I haven’t wandered away
like some people my age. The thing is my life is changing, my mind is and
everything about me. At times I wish that just for one day I could feel like a
child in my mind once more and experience the peace I felt as a little girl but
I am reminded everyday that I am not a kid anymore. Today 29th
October is another day. So what is it gonna be; wake up, eat, go out, look for
a job, come back, cook lunch, lie down, read a novel, watch a movie, stand up,
go round the house to make sure everything is in order, press my phone
endlessly, , think, daydream, fall asleep in the process………….wait for the night
to come. Just life as I know it.
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